Walk like a zombie

Me: you can drop me off... just not on this corner it's scary

Bobbi-Jo: yeah, look at all those zombies! oh hey! they must be filming that new zombie movie! look at all the zombies! Get the camera out!GET THE CAMERA OUT!!!!!!

Claire: Bobbi... they're just lining up for food....

Bobbi-Jo: no no... look how they're walking! They're walking like ZOMBIES.

Me: it's homeless people, Bobbi, lining up for free food...

Bobbi-Jo: ...they're walking like zombies!

my last entry

homeless lady outside my building: spare any change?
me: No, I just got fired
homeless lady: Oh, no...

Coulda

me: how's your day going?
customer: coulda been better, coulda been worse, coulda been carried away in a hearse

..........


customer: I have CSS without my glasses
me: oh yeah?
customer: yeah. Can't See Shit.


.............


customer: don't worry about ME, I'm a drug dealer.
me: Oh, good.

Safety first.

the escalator was blocked off today for people's safety. Apparently a motionless flight of stairs is a safety risk. Luckily the stairs that NEVER move were available for public use. Otherwise known as "the stairs."

winners don't do drugs

customer: I though smoking a shit load of pot would take away the pain, I was wrong.
me: Try Tylenol 3's
customer: Oh, I don't do drugs.

and when i'm NOT working...

at a crowded pizza joint:
me: is this hot sauce?
creep: yeah, almost as hot as you
me: good one....

at the bar: dude wearing a hilarious shirt explains himself:
"when I'm wearing my "I HAVE A VAGINA" shirt I know it's time to do laundry.

laundrophilia

me: I should pimp out my washer and dryer in my apartment and make some money
customer: I'll be at your apartment, Megan. Don't mind me if I don't bring any laundry.

Rush

me: sorry for the wait
her: It's ok I'm not rushin'. I'm First Nations.

Steven

customer: $4.50 even?
me: even Steven
customer: Steven's not even, he owes me a hundred bucks.

kids

customer: my kids love Kraft Dinner
me (not looking up): oh, yeah?
customer: yeah, hey babies!
me (looks up)
customer (has rats crawling out of her shirt)

me: Oh. K... your babies. Like Kraft Dinner.

proof

customer:Now I'm no brain science... ok I proved it right there. I'm no brain surgeon, but....

multi-purpose

me: what are you going to put this (whipped cream) on?
customer: strawberry pie
me: mmm
customer: and my girlfriend



co-worker: what are you reading?
me: It's a book about the lives of maids living in Mississippi during the 50's. It's fitting for Black History Month
co-worker: Oh is that TODAY??
me: It's all month, actually.

Black History Month

young black customer: because it's black history month, you just bag my groceries and I get to walk away right?

what's my job?

stupid stoned kid: can you bag this stuff?

me: I will, i can only do one thing at a time

kid: no no, i was talking to my friend. HE should do it.

STUPIDER stoned kid: it's your job, you should bag the stuff, haha.

me: ok, so do you want this juice still?

kid: fuck the juice

me: ok that's NOT my job.

yours and mine.

An older gentlemen reminiscent of a dirty Jeff Bridges comes up to the till with a few items. I'm scanning them as I come across a DVD. As I look for the barcode i notice the 6 pairs of tits on the cover. This DVD is a porno.

me: that's not one of ours

him: no, it sure isn't

me: well enjoy your movie!

him: you want to watch it with me?

me: no, thanks. I can't....

him: I had to ask.

Because

nice older man on the phone:
"I'm just in line buying kitty litter and toilet paper. Because everyone who visits me is full of shit."

Price is Right

*guy brings a box of Rice Crispies to my till. It's on sale for a dollar.*

customer: Holy shit, that price is unbelievable. what's the limit on how many I can get? 100?

me: Get as many as you want!

Customer: Naw, that's ok, I probably won't even get through this one. I don't even LIKE Rice Crispies, I'm more of a Honey Combs guy myself, but the price is right.

Seal the Deal

*Seal's new single is playing for the umpteenth time on our amazing satellite station at work*

co-worker: i hate this song
me: I want to club Seal.



crack addict to couple: excuse me, ladies

the man she's talking to: ladies? it's my hairdo that gave it away isn't it? *he was bald.

Jingle Bells Are Ringing in the Weirdest Place on Earth

as i walked into work today i saw a woman posing in front of the full length mirror in ladies wear. what is she trying on? a bra. over her clothes. with her bra on underneath, a shirt, and now this bra. on top. done up. like a reject from Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour. "this will be a great shift," I say to myself.



middle aged man in a pretty plaid skirt buying stockings and chocolate: "when I'm a girl I want to be strong just like you"

me: "that's sweet, no one's ever said that to me before."

wax on wax off

this evening a cute chubby family purchased some q tips from me.

Without movie away from my counter or even turning around in any sense of discretion, the mother then takes out a q-tip and starts cleaning her son's ears. she pulls it out right by my face and the wax build-up was INSANE. I had to walk away to avoid puking. I walked back and asked the family if they could do that somewhere more private. and they gave ME a dirty look.

a) cleaning ears should be done frequently and privately
b) i would not buy tampons and then pull my pants down and shove it up me at the counter. that would be gross. so don't clean your ears in my face. thank you.
c) i have no c.