Walk like a zombie

Me: you can drop me off... just not on this corner it's scary

Bobbi-Jo: yeah, look at all those zombies! oh hey! they must be filming that new zombie movie! look at all the zombies! Get the camera out!GET THE CAMERA OUT!!!!!!

Claire: Bobbi... they're just lining up for food....

Bobbi-Jo: no no... look how they're walking! They're walking like ZOMBIES.

Me: it's homeless people, Bobbi, lining up for free food...

Bobbi-Jo: ...they're walking like zombies!

my last entry

homeless lady outside my building: spare any change?
me: No, I just got fired
homeless lady: Oh, no...

Coulda

me: how's your day going?
customer: coulda been better, coulda been worse, coulda been carried away in a hearse

..........


customer: I have CSS without my glasses
me: oh yeah?
customer: yeah. Can't See Shit.


.............


customer: don't worry about ME, I'm a drug dealer.
me: Oh, good.

Safety first.

the escalator was blocked off today for people's safety. Apparently a motionless flight of stairs is a safety risk. Luckily the stairs that NEVER move were available for public use. Otherwise known as "the stairs."

winners don't do drugs

customer: I though smoking a shit load of pot would take away the pain, I was wrong.
me: Try Tylenol 3's
customer: Oh, I don't do drugs.

and when i'm NOT working...

at a crowded pizza joint:
me: is this hot sauce?
creep: yeah, almost as hot as you
me: good one....

at the bar: dude wearing a hilarious shirt explains himself:
"when I'm wearing my "I HAVE A VAGINA" shirt I know it's time to do laundry.

laundrophilia

me: I should pimp out my washer and dryer in my apartment and make some money
customer: I'll be at your apartment, Megan. Don't mind me if I don't bring any laundry.

Rush

me: sorry for the wait
her: It's ok I'm not rushin'. I'm First Nations.

Steven

customer: $4.50 even?
me: even Steven
customer: Steven's not even, he owes me a hundred bucks.

kids

customer: my kids love Kraft Dinner
me (not looking up): oh, yeah?
customer: yeah, hey babies!
me (looks up)
customer (has rats crawling out of her shirt)

me: Oh. K... your babies. Like Kraft Dinner.

proof

customer:Now I'm no brain science... ok I proved it right there. I'm no brain surgeon, but....

multi-purpose

me: what are you going to put this (whipped cream) on?
customer: strawberry pie
me: mmm
customer: and my girlfriend



co-worker: what are you reading?
me: It's a book about the lives of maids living in Mississippi during the 50's. It's fitting for Black History Month
co-worker: Oh is that TODAY??
me: It's all month, actually.

Black History Month

young black customer: because it's black history month, you just bag my groceries and I get to walk away right?

what's my job?

stupid stoned kid: can you bag this stuff?

me: I will, i can only do one thing at a time

kid: no no, i was talking to my friend. HE should do it.

STUPIDER stoned kid: it's your job, you should bag the stuff, haha.

me: ok, so do you want this juice still?

kid: fuck the juice

me: ok that's NOT my job.

yours and mine.

An older gentlemen reminiscent of a dirty Jeff Bridges comes up to the till with a few items. I'm scanning them as I come across a DVD. As I look for the barcode i notice the 6 pairs of tits on the cover. This DVD is a porno.

me: that's not one of ours

him: no, it sure isn't

me: well enjoy your movie!

him: you want to watch it with me?

me: no, thanks. I can't....

him: I had to ask.

Because

nice older man on the phone:
"I'm just in line buying kitty litter and toilet paper. Because everyone who visits me is full of shit."

Price is Right

*guy brings a box of Rice Crispies to my till. It's on sale for a dollar.*

customer: Holy shit, that price is unbelievable. what's the limit on how many I can get? 100?

me: Get as many as you want!

Customer: Naw, that's ok, I probably won't even get through this one. I don't even LIKE Rice Crispies, I'm more of a Honey Combs guy myself, but the price is right.