Seal the Deal

*Seal's new single is playing for the umpteenth time on our amazing satellite station at work*

co-worker: i hate this song
me: I want to club Seal.



crack addict to couple: excuse me, ladies

the man she's talking to: ladies? it's my hairdo that gave it away isn't it? *he was bald.

Jingle Bells Are Ringing in the Weirdest Place on Earth

as i walked into work today i saw a woman posing in front of the full length mirror in ladies wear. what is she trying on? a bra. over her clothes. with her bra on underneath, a shirt, and now this bra. on top. done up. like a reject from Madonna's Blonde Ambition Tour. "this will be a great shift," I say to myself.



middle aged man in a pretty plaid skirt buying stockings and chocolate: "when I'm a girl I want to be strong just like you"

me: "that's sweet, no one's ever said that to me before."

wax on wax off

this evening a cute chubby family purchased some q tips from me.

Without movie away from my counter or even turning around in any sense of discretion, the mother then takes out a q-tip and starts cleaning her son's ears. she pulls it out right by my face and the wax build-up was INSANE. I had to walk away to avoid puking. I walked back and asked the family if they could do that somewhere more private. and they gave ME a dirty look.

a) cleaning ears should be done frequently and privately
b) i would not buy tampons and then pull my pants down and shove it up me at the counter. that would be gross. so don't clean your ears in my face. thank you.
c) i have no c.

sweet tooth

me: you should get higher standards, like find a guy with teeth.
co-worker: he HAS teeth
me: yeah... one.

co-worker: no no, he HAS TEETH. they just fell out of his pocket after breakfast

me: *no words*

booty

customer who bought boots from me: "thanx for the booty call"

it's funny cuz he's old.

Lest We Forget

customer: Happy Rememberance Day!!

me: uh... happy Rememberance Day to you, too..

customer: I think I took too much heroin.

either or

customer: it was either buy food or razor blades. Food won.

me: food should always win.

not so bright lights

*customer with a biker look, complete with leather fanny pack comes over to my till looking confused...*


customer: you on?

me: uh... i'm open

customer: oh, cuz your light isn't on

me: well the sign doesn't light up... cuz it's made out of wood... so...

oil v.s. aspartaeme

customer comes up to my till and drinks olive oil straight out of the bottle.
then proceeds to tell me how diet coke is bad. shock.

what party

so i overcharged a woman by ringing in items she had already bought.
Before she came back to complain a new customer comes by...

new customer: you should get a raise. you're beautiful with brains. you should join a beauty contest. You have great hair, not like those women that dye it and have sick hair. you know what I mean? you're natural and beautiful....

*old angry customer comes back and waits impatiently to get her money back*

new customer: really you deserve a raise every day!

me: i don't think this woman agrees with you....




drunk customer: hey gorgeous. can i have your number so i can take you out to dinner?

me: maybe if you come back sober

drunk customer: hahaha... you got me. no but seriously, give me your number, there's a party.

me: what party?

drunk customer: well... there COULD be a party....

old souls

*two young kids come up and buy stuff. I give them their change and they say keep it, so I say...*

me: aww come on, you can get some 5 cent candies with that change, take it.

little boy: not with taxes these days

me: you're too young to worry about taxes

little girl: we're older than you think

me: lemme guess... 12?

little boy: i'm almost 13!

razor

customer: hi, i need help with a razor

me: you need help with a razor

customer: yeah

me: so... you want help shaving your face?

Really? Like... really?

last night's shift was so ridiculous a short dialogue format is just not going to cut it. these "people" deserve more.

First Customer:

He is a older English fellow, very well groomed, looking a little unsatisfied with the previous help he's been offered. I ask him what I can do to help.

customer: well, these employees won't let me buy these pants. I am not impressed with the service. I put these pants on, I would just like to pay for them and leave, I've never had a problem before.


turns out this idiot is wearing a pair of jeans with a fucking plastic security tag on the ass and refuses to take off the pants. And then wouldn't understand why I couldn't sell them to him .


me: If I sell them to you without you taking them off first, you are going to beep in every store in the the city.

customer: why will you refuse to let me purchase these? You are refusing me.



scenario number 2

A normal enough looking middle aged pot bellied dude walks up to me with a plastic liquor store bag filled with what seems to be, well, liquor.

customer: excuse me, the girl downstairs (what girl downstairs?) said i could drink one of my beers while i shop around

me: are you sure she worked here?

customer: uh yeah. she had the same outfit you had on

me: really? well you can't drink beer in the store. obviously.

customer: but the girl downstairs said i could

me: well laws say you can't

customer: hey i just asked her and she said it was ok

me: well then you shouldn't of asked ME. Its NOT ok.

why should i

older native gentleman with a cane and fanny pack decorated with a plethora of dream catcher keychains (aka customer): will you marry me?

me: i'm on my break, I have to go back in 5 minutes

customer: it doesn't take that long to get married

me: sorry I gotta go...

customer: ok well we'll get married tomorrow




local female artist buying stuff (customer) : I'd like to draw you

me: me? why?

customer: you have very interesting features you would be fun to draw. Tomorrow I'm drawing a lady in a wheelchair with a cat on her head wearing a pink dress... that has NOTHING to do with me drawing you....

debit

*man using debit machine: oh i need to take out my glasses for this. or, glass
me: ?
*man takes out HALF a pair of glasses. not a monacle. no that would make too much sense. he takes out a broken pair of glasses with one side completely missing.*



young normal customer about to pay: oh i guess i'll just use my debit

me: don't talk down to your debit card. it's not JUST your debit card. now it'll grow up with a complex

crazy customer next in line: yeah, don't talk down or the mafia will get you back in that alley there, douse you in formaldehyde and make it look like an accident


young normal, now frightened customer:.... i won't talk down to my debit card anymore.

no, REALLY.

*ranting toothless guy goes off about how he's having a nervous breakdown and walks away*

security guard: you know, that guy sucks dick
me: no he's nice, it's ok
security guard: no... he actually SUCKS dick



*woman holding a gift bag with a picture of a bride and groom cheersing over champagne*

woman: this isn't obviously alcohol right? like, it could be a picture of apple juice or something right?

me: no, that's definitely champagne

woman: well then i better not get it, my friend just got clean....

perfect fit.

average looking young male customer: i bet you don't see a guy buying women's clothes to dress in drag that often

me: i don't judge, i just scan

average looking male customer pulls out plastic tits attached to string and says: i need you to strap these on

me: i don't need to

average looking drag queen: not on YOU, honey, on ME.





*as i walked past the ladies clothing I overheard a seasoned employee 'help' a customer

middle aged woman: I'm looking for something for my daughter

middle aged asian employee: is she big like you?

damn pretty

customer: are you a cashier?
me: no but i play one on tv
customer, hah, no, it's just cuz you were organizing the bags so i didn't know-
me: if i was a bag lady?


customer: you're a hard woman to follow around
me: why?
customer: cuz you're so damn pretty
me: aww thanx. have a good day
customer: have a good rest of your life.


*attractive black male customer drops penny*
me: do you want me to get that for you?
customer: I wouldn't want you to bend down for THAT reason
me: I'm worth more than a penny
customer: *laughs* with that attitude, I should have stayed in bed, and YOU should have been lying next to me

rubber maids

customer: do you have Rubber Maid?

me: yeah we do, upstairs

other listening customer: you have rubber maids upstairs?

me: yes. all rubber, but with hearts of gold.

self serve

customer (with large army and navy bag): i could carry a baby in here. Well... not a baby. A baby would suffocate.

scenario: crazy woman sneaks behind the snack bar and pours herself some coffee. and by pour i mean spill... all over the groud

me: excuse me, can i help you?

customer standing in puddle of coffee: oh sorry, I thought it was self serve

me: actually there's a closed sign. right there.

customer: oh my. sorry.

*drops cup and leaves*


me: are you sure you want these things in the small bag?

customer: yes, it'll fit

me: wow, there ya go. perfect

customer: you and I, we are perfect.

ode to a breakup

*scanner gun not working, so I smash it against the counter a couple times before ringing the items through*

customer (with curly black matted wig not properly placed on his head): you going through a divorce or something?



customer wondering if my till is open: are you available?
me: only recently




customer: you're not even trying and you're beautiful. can i take you out for dinner at the old spagghetti factory?

me: aww that's really sweet, but i just ended a relationship

customer: your exboyfriend is an idiot. *leans over to customer behind him*
that's crazy. She's a goddess. What's your work schedule so I can come in and buy one item from you at a time?

nailed

shaggy male customer with insanely long red painted thumb nail with an earing pierced through it: now that's a nail eh?

me: i don't want to ask what it's for

smcwilrptnwaepti: it's for a contest! If my nail is longer than my buddy's in January, I get $5000. He's loaded.

52 window limo and a patient manager

customer: i'm taking the 52 window limo home
me: what?
customer: the bus.



So i called my manager from the groceries department with some exciting news!

me: hey did you know that when you type in '09' on the payment screen you get "street cred?"

manager: "store credit?"

me: way to ruin it.

your blood

me: is that YOUR blood on your shirt, sir?
customer covered in blood: oh, uh, not really. it's crazy outside.

*pays for two packages of mr. noodles and leaves*

the things we do for visas

elderly lady customer:

You know I had my purse stolen at London Drugs. And when I went to replace my Visa the bank I was in was being robbed! I tell ya, I'm going to keep my Visa in my crotch so they can't steal it. But if someone feels like raping an old lady, I'm in trouble...

conspiracy

paranoid customer: why is that door closed, are you locking us in?
me: yeah didn't you know? you're in a horror movie right now.
paranoid customer: oh is that right?
big customer (behind him in line): the big guy usually gets killed off first. I'm not too happy about this.

party animal

customer: so you're a party animal, huh?
me: that will be $3.70 please
customer: I got a cage for ya
me: *shock*
customer: and you won't be in there alone, either.

ode to the men's department

customer in extremely stained shirt: "i'm not homeless, I just don't go all the way home"


customer: "do you have bed sheets? like, for a toga?"



me: you're buying a lot of black pants
customer: i wear them for work
me: let me guess, you're a waiter?
customer: no
customer's friend: well he does serve people
me: stripper?
customer: awww thank you! what a compliment
customer's friend: he's actually a pastor at a church
me: shut up
customer: no... it's true. I am.


customer: wow, 30 buks for 5 shirts? that's cheaper than an 8th of weed

And as if it stops AT work..... I was walking home and:

me (on the phone to my dad): thank you for lunch
stranger I walked past: well thank YOU for walking by me!

customer appreciation

As a cashier in a shady area, I have seen and heard some messed up things that I would like to share. This blog is for all of those who are overqualified and underpaid in their part time jobs while waiting for their careers to start. In this situation, anything goes.

Before I start dating these, here are some gems from past shifts at my job:

customer: you're beautiful. how much?

customer looking at my name tag: so what do you call the other one?

customer: do you have any caustic soda? ya know, like if you put a guy in a bathtub and fill it with caustic soda he'll die? Not that that's what I want it for, obviously...

customer: don't scrunch that hat, its MY property
me: not yet
customer: I hope you like your job because this is the only job you'll ever get
me: actually i'm a teacher
customer: that's scary that they let you work with children

this brings us to today:

me: i can take you over here

customer (crusty bearded man with a smile): Here? Shouldn't we get a hotel room first?