*ranting toothless guy goes off about how he's having a nervous breakdown and walks away*
security guard: you know, that guy sucks dick
me: no he's nice, it's ok
security guard: no... he actually SUCKS dick
*woman holding a gift bag with a picture of a bride and groom cheersing over champagne*
woman: this isn't obviously alcohol right? like, it could be a picture of apple juice or something right?
me: no, that's definitely champagne
woman: well then i better not get it, my friend just got clean....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
perfect fit.
average looking young male customer: i bet you don't see a guy buying women's clothes to dress in drag that often
me: i don't judge, i just scan
average looking male customer pulls out plastic tits attached to string and says: i need you to strap these on
me: i don't need to
average looking drag queen: not on YOU, honey, on ME.
*as i walked past the ladies clothing I overheard a seasoned employee 'help' a customer
middle aged woman: I'm looking for something for my daughter
middle aged asian employee: is she big like you?
me: i don't judge, i just scan
average looking male customer pulls out plastic tits attached to string and says: i need you to strap these on
me: i don't need to
average looking drag queen: not on YOU, honey, on ME.
*as i walked past the ladies clothing I overheard a seasoned employee 'help' a customer
middle aged woman: I'm looking for something for my daughter
middle aged asian employee: is she big like you?
Monday, August 23, 2010
damn pretty
customer: are you a cashier?
me: no but i play one on tv
customer, hah, no, it's just cuz you were organizing the bags so i didn't know-
me: if i was a bag lady?
customer: you're a hard woman to follow around
me: why?
customer: cuz you're so damn pretty
me: aww thanx. have a good day
customer: have a good rest of your life.
*attractive black male customer drops penny*
me: do you want me to get that for you?
customer: I wouldn't want you to bend down for THAT reason
me: I'm worth more than a penny
customer: *laughs* with that attitude, I should have stayed in bed, and YOU should have been lying next to me
me: no but i play one on tv
customer, hah, no, it's just cuz you were organizing the bags so i didn't know-
me: if i was a bag lady?
customer: you're a hard woman to follow around
me: why?
customer: cuz you're so damn pretty
me: aww thanx. have a good day
customer: have a good rest of your life.
*attractive black male customer drops penny*
me: do you want me to get that for you?
customer: I wouldn't want you to bend down for THAT reason
me: I'm worth more than a penny
customer: *laughs* with that attitude, I should have stayed in bed, and YOU should have been lying next to me
Saturday, August 21, 2010
rubber maids
customer: do you have Rubber Maid?
me: yeah we do, upstairs
other listening customer: you have rubber maids upstairs?
me: yes. all rubber, but with hearts of gold.
me: yeah we do, upstairs
other listening customer: you have rubber maids upstairs?
me: yes. all rubber, but with hearts of gold.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
self serve
customer (with large army and navy bag): i could carry a baby in here. Well... not a baby. A baby would suffocate.
scenario: crazy woman sneaks behind the snack bar and pours herself some coffee. and by pour i mean spill... all over the groud
me: excuse me, can i help you?
customer standing in puddle of coffee: oh sorry, I thought it was self serve
me: actually there's a closed sign. right there.
customer: oh my. sorry.
*drops cup and leaves*
me: are you sure you want these things in the small bag?
customer: yes, it'll fit
me: wow, there ya go. perfect
customer: you and I, we are perfect.
scenario: crazy woman sneaks behind the snack bar and pours herself some coffee. and by pour i mean spill... all over the groud
me: excuse me, can i help you?
customer standing in puddle of coffee: oh sorry, I thought it was self serve
me: actually there's a closed sign. right there.
customer: oh my. sorry.
*drops cup and leaves*
me: are you sure you want these things in the small bag?
customer: yes, it'll fit
me: wow, there ya go. perfect
customer: you and I, we are perfect.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
ode to a breakup
*scanner gun not working, so I smash it against the counter a couple times before ringing the items through*
customer (with curly black matted wig not properly placed on his head): you going through a divorce or something?
customer wondering if my till is open: are you available?
me: only recently
customer: you're not even trying and you're beautiful. can i take you out for dinner at the old spagghetti factory?
me: aww that's really sweet, but i just ended a relationship
customer: your exboyfriend is an idiot. *leans over to customer behind him*
that's crazy. She's a goddess. What's your work schedule so I can come in and buy one item from you at a time?
customer (with curly black matted wig not properly placed on his head): you going through a divorce or something?
customer wondering if my till is open: are you available?
me: only recently
customer: you're not even trying and you're beautiful. can i take you out for dinner at the old spagghetti factory?
me: aww that's really sweet, but i just ended a relationship
customer: your exboyfriend is an idiot. *leans over to customer behind him*
that's crazy. She's a goddess. What's your work schedule so I can come in and buy one item from you at a time?
nailed
shaggy male customer with insanely long red painted thumb nail with an earing pierced through it: now that's a nail eh?
me: i don't want to ask what it's for
smcwilrptnwaepti: it's for a contest! If my nail is longer than my buddy's in January, I get $5000. He's loaded.
me: i don't want to ask what it's for
smcwilrptnwaepti: it's for a contest! If my nail is longer than my buddy's in January, I get $5000. He's loaded.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
52 window limo and a patient manager
customer: i'm taking the 52 window limo home
me: what?
customer: the bus.
So i called my manager from the groceries department with some exciting news!
me: hey did you know that when you type in '09' on the payment screen you get "street cred?"
manager: "store credit?"
me: way to ruin it.
me: what?
customer: the bus.
So i called my manager from the groceries department with some exciting news!
me: hey did you know that when you type in '09' on the payment screen you get "street cred?"
manager: "store credit?"
me: way to ruin it.
your blood
me: is that YOUR blood on your shirt, sir?
customer covered in blood: oh, uh, not really. it's crazy outside.
*pays for two packages of mr. noodles and leaves*
customer covered in blood: oh, uh, not really. it's crazy outside.
*pays for two packages of mr. noodles and leaves*
Thursday, August 12, 2010
the things we do for visas
elderly lady customer:
You know I had my purse stolen at London Drugs. And when I went to replace my Visa the bank I was in was being robbed! I tell ya, I'm going to keep my Visa in my crotch so they can't steal it. But if someone feels like raping an old lady, I'm in trouble...
You know I had my purse stolen at London Drugs. And when I went to replace my Visa the bank I was in was being robbed! I tell ya, I'm going to keep my Visa in my crotch so they can't steal it. But if someone feels like raping an old lady, I'm in trouble...
conspiracy
paranoid customer: why is that door closed, are you locking us in?
me: yeah didn't you know? you're in a horror movie right now.
paranoid customer: oh is that right?
big customer (behind him in line): the big guy usually gets killed off first. I'm not too happy about this.
me: yeah didn't you know? you're in a horror movie right now.
paranoid customer: oh is that right?
big customer (behind him in line): the big guy usually gets killed off first. I'm not too happy about this.
party animal
customer: so you're a party animal, huh?
me: that will be $3.70 please
customer: I got a cage for ya
me: *shock*
customer: and you won't be in there alone, either.
me: that will be $3.70 please
customer: I got a cage for ya
me: *shock*
customer: and you won't be in there alone, either.
Friday, August 6, 2010
ode to the men's department
customer in extremely stained shirt: "i'm not homeless, I just don't go all the way home"
customer: "do you have bed sheets? like, for a toga?"
me: you're buying a lot of black pants
customer: i wear them for work
me: let me guess, you're a waiter?
customer: no
customer's friend: well he does serve people
me: stripper?
customer: awww thank you! what a compliment
customer's friend: he's actually a pastor at a church
me: shut up
customer: no... it's true. I am.
customer: wow, 30 buks for 5 shirts? that's cheaper than an 8th of weed
And as if it stops AT work..... I was walking home and:
me (on the phone to my dad): thank you for lunch
stranger I walked past: well thank YOU for walking by me!
customer: "do you have bed sheets? like, for a toga?"
me: you're buying a lot of black pants
customer: i wear them for work
me: let me guess, you're a waiter?
customer: no
customer's friend: well he does serve people
me: stripper?
customer: awww thank you! what a compliment
customer's friend: he's actually a pastor at a church
me: shut up
customer: no... it's true. I am.
customer: wow, 30 buks for 5 shirts? that's cheaper than an 8th of weed
And as if it stops AT work..... I was walking home and:
me (on the phone to my dad): thank you for lunch
stranger I walked past: well thank YOU for walking by me!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
customer appreciation
As a cashier in a shady area, I have seen and heard some messed up things that I would like to share. This blog is for all of those who are overqualified and underpaid in their part time jobs while waiting for their careers to start. In this situation, anything goes.
Before I start dating these, here are some gems from past shifts at my job:
customer: you're beautiful. how much?
customer looking at my name tag: so what do you call the other one?
customer: do you have any caustic soda? ya know, like if you put a guy in a bathtub and fill it with caustic soda he'll die? Not that that's what I want it for, obviously...
customer: don't scrunch that hat, its MY property
me: not yet
customer: I hope you like your job because this is the only job you'll ever get
me: actually i'm a teacher
customer: that's scary that they let you work with children
this brings us to today:
me: i can take you over here
customer (crusty bearded man with a smile): Here? Shouldn't we get a hotel room first?
Before I start dating these, here are some gems from past shifts at my job:
customer: you're beautiful. how much?
customer looking at my name tag: so what do you call the other one?
customer: do you have any caustic soda? ya know, like if you put a guy in a bathtub and fill it with caustic soda he'll die? Not that that's what I want it for, obviously...
customer: don't scrunch that hat, its MY property
me: not yet
customer: I hope you like your job because this is the only job you'll ever get
me: actually i'm a teacher
customer: that's scary that they let you work with children
this brings us to today:
me: i can take you over here
customer (crusty bearded man with a smile): Here? Shouldn't we get a hotel room first?
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